Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I can’t deal with men any longer
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside