I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
😂💯
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.