Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
🤔😂😂
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark