[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
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25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Ummm
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth