wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.