ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again