Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.