My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair