Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.