No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
lol
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.