I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
This could be us but you eatin’
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]