The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
You Might Also Like
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit