when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I saw this ending much differently.
S O O N
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”