Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Somebody’s lying.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
A woman drives into a bar.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.