so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
You Might Also Like
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.