The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club