I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Nothing to do, you say?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..