My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”