Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?