This meal prepping shit is easy
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Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Was it something I said?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones