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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN