*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
this is me
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA