I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.