If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I want this so bad
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*puts my mental health in rice
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.