*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
kevin is now a local weatherman
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*