No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Employees must applaud the planets.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.