Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”