My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Found the job I’m suited for
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay