Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
This headline is a thing of beauty
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.