When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My blood type is coffee.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone