For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Running from your problems is cardio .
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons