me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.