When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
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[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.