officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!