Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid