[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult