*mops up wine with cat*
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing