[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.