i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*sewing*
A thread
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!