[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
won’t smith
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.