first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The Book. The Movie.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*