Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I’m listening
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: