If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road