Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
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[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro