Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*jingles half the way*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
quarantine day 3
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure