[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see