I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Camping tip: No.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
For anyone who needs this today
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”