Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
this chia pet tastes awful
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there