Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.