You Might Also Like
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Yoga Matt
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.